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It was 3am when I woke up gasping for air. My heart was pounding and I couldn’t catch my breath. I knew the routine. This wasn’t my first panic attack and it certainly wouldn’t be my last.
This time something was different. My normal relaxation techniques weren’t helping. I was unable to calm down. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right.
As a fully-dedicated, semi-professional party animal, God was just about the last thing on my mind. Imagine the hesitation I felt when I couldn’t resist the “voice in my head” telling me to go get my bible. It was literally years since I had even opened this leather-bound paperweight. I didn’t even know where my bible was!
Unfamiliar with the bible and its contents, I used a technique that I’m sure many of you have used before: grab the thick book and thumb-flip through the pages while praying in your head, “God, if you want to speak to me, speak to me………..NOW!” at which point you open up to the page that your thumb has stopped on. Side note: Pastor Josh Surratt did a parody of this method at one of the first services I ever attended at Seacoast.
I landed on page 1225, or Ezekiel 2 for the few of you that don’t have the same bible as me 
“Ezekiel? Uhhhh, ok.” I began to read God’s commissioning of Ezekiel.
“Son of man, stand up on your feet and I will speak to you…”
Eyebrow now raised, I kept reading this obscure passage.
“Son of man, I am sending you to the Israelites, to a rebellious nation that has rebelled against me; they and their fathers have been in revolt against me to this very day. The people to whom I am sending you are obstinate and stubborn. Say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says.’ And whether they listen or fail to listen - for they are a rebellious house - they will know that a prophet has been among them. And you, son of man, do not be afraid of them or their words. Do not be afraid, though briers and thorns are all around you and you live among scorpions. Do not be afraid of what they say or terrified by them. though they are a rebellious house. You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen, for they are rebellious. But you, son of man, do not rebel like that rebellious house.”
“Son of man, go now to the house of Israel and speak my words to them…But now the house of Israel is not willing to listen to you because they are not willing to listen to me, for the whole house of Israel is hardened and obstinate.”
“But I will make you as unyielding and hardened as they are.”
Guys, I believe that God spoke to me 4 years ago. I believe that he woke me up and told me about some plans that he has for me. It wasn’t until just a few months ago that I realized, “I’m partially living this!” That, as I’m sure you can imagine, is a HUGE realization.
I’ve been very hesitant to post this blog. I will struggle to press the ‘publish’ button when I’m done typing. I want this post to be perfect. I know that no matter how much I try, I won’t be able to communicate the magnitude of what I’m writing. And that makes me want to delete this draft and go to bed.
My knowledge of the Christian faith is weak. I’m sure that many of you atheists could quote more scripture than I could. I do NOT have all of the answers. As I told writerdd the other day, I’m just figuring this stuff out as I go. I don’t know what the five points of Calvinism are. I just learned what a Fundamentalist is. I don’t know the difference between the EmergING and the EmergENT churches.
Can’t I just be a freakin’ follower of Christ without getting lost in the weeds? Do I REALLY have to have a PhD in theology to grasp the concept(s) of Christianity? Mind you, I’m making no excuse for laziness. This is my passion.
Something has happened inside of me, that’s about all I can tell you. Tell me that it’s all just a bunch of coincidences. Tell me that it is my own personal will from deep within that has sparked the desire for a radical change in my life. Tell me that I’m a sheep who can’t think for himself.
I’ll tell you it’s God. I believe that with all my heart too.
Christians and Christianity piss me off more than anything else on this earth, literally. I’m hooked, though, and I feel like God wants to use me. Maybe I won’t start a movement. Maybe I won’t be on a stage. Maybe I won’t author a book. And maybe FriendlyChristian.com will never be any more than a blip on the WWW radar. Something is gonna happen, though. I know it. And I have a feeling that God’s commission to Ezekiel might be a pattern that I continue to see in my life.
Atheists, agnostics, and non-believers, I am Ezekiel and you are my rebellious nation of Israel. I will not back down. I say this lovingly yet unapologetically (also included are all you ‘I couldn’t care less about Christianity, but I sure to love to blog about this guy and offer my two cents‘ visitors).
I will tell everyone about your righteousness. All day long I will proclaim your saving power, though I am not skilled with words. Psalm 71:15
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“Something has happened inside of me, that’s about all I can tell you.”
Great. That’s the most exciting part of life. I hope it happens to you again and again.
“Tell me that it’s all just a bunch of coincidences. Tell me that it is my own personal will from deep within that has sparked the desire for a radical change in my life.”
Yep. That’s exactly what I would tell you. Of course, you have to decide what you think is happening for yourself. I just will say this, don’t limit what you think is happening by pre-conceived ideas. And don’t brainwash yourself and force yourself to believe something. If you have doubts, embrace them. It’s only the most extreme versions of Christianity that force you to swallow and deny your doubts, and that is terribly unhealthy. If, in the end, you still believe that God has changed your life, more power to you. But I’ve read your testimony and it is somewhat similar to mine (my mother was also “healed” of depression and my salvation experiences were kindof similar to yours, although I was never a party animal or anything like that)…. and there are other explanations for what happened to you that you may (or may not) ultimately find more fulfilling and meaningful than the explanations you are accepting now. That’s your journey and you will have to find your own way. Wherever you end up, the fact that you are being introspective and looking deep into your own soul tells me that you will find what you are searching for.
“Tell me that I’m a sheep who can’t think for himself.”
You certainly don’t seem that way to me.
“Atheists, agnostics, and non-believers, I am Ezekiel and you are my rebellious nation. I will not back down. I say this lovingly yet unapologetically.”
Ok, now you are delusional. Sorry, but don’t forget that many of us heathens on your site used to BE born again Christians. I, for one, did not backslide. That is, I did not fall away from some higher plane of Christianity to a lower plane of unbelief. I have continued to grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and I outgrew Christianity. That’s not to say that everyone will follow the same path that I did, but you certainly are not an Ezekiel to me and I am not a rebellious nation. That’s just B.S..
You are just a person and I am just a person and we are here to share our different experiences in life. As I said, if this site turns into a tract or a forum for witnessing, I will go elsewhere.
whoops. did my comment go into moderation because I said a bad word?
OH, and Bill, sorry for leaving 3 comments in a row including the one with the bad word which I hope you will approve. Just delete the bad word if you want….
But, if you want to learn more about the history of Christianity and the different flavors of Christianity — I mean like what ARE fundamentalists and evangelicals and Pentecostals and charismatics and mainstream Protestants and what is orthodoxy, and where did all these things come from anyway? I suggest anything by Randall Balmer. He’s a wonderful evangelical author (so I think you will relate to where he’s coming from) and he’s written a lot of books on the history of Christianity in the US. I haven’t read all of his books but the one’s I have read have been excellent. Here are a few that might interest you:
BLESSED ASSURANCE: A HISTORY OF EVANGELICALISM IN AMERICA
Grant Us Courage: Travels Along the Mainline of American Protestantism
Religion in Twentieth Century America
Protestantism in America
Encyclopedia of Evangelicalism: Revised and Expanded Edition
Karen Armstrong has some very interesting, well-written books on the history of religion and fundamentalism (not just Christian), too. She’s an ex-nun and now is a sort of deist, I think. That is, she seems to believe in some sort of non-personal god, but she is not a follower of any specific religion.
writerdd, Karen Armstrong’s History of God should be required reading for anyone who wants to have a historical context for the 3 big mono religions out there.
Bill, I assume when you say that you are only “partially living this” that the part you haven’t lived yet is the mission to tame the Israelites and their rebellious ways?
writerdd,
Respectfully, that’s fine with me. My goal isn’t and will never be to please you. You and I have (I’d hope) a pretty good understanding for one another by now, so I’m betting that you’ll completely understand what I mean.
It’s funny that you’d say this, though cuz I DO think this site is a witnessing/evangelizing tool. It’s just not the ‘turn-or-burn’ method (from me, at least) that many people are used to; hence the ‘friendly’ tag. I feel like I’ve been given an opportunity to communicate, or witness, to Christians and non-Christians alike, about a less known/utilized side of Christianity: to love and to serve without condemning and judging. IMO this is most certainly witnessing.
Thank you for the list of books. You know as well as I do that I need them!
But in the context of the story, this is the case. You don’t agree?
Yeah, I’m gonna change it to “B.S.”
Skeptigator,
Nah. I don’t expect anyone to change their beliefs or opinions. I guess when I wrote ‘partially’ I just meant that there could eventually be more.
Make sense?
Bill, you are right not to try to cater to anyone else on your blog (especially since you’re not writing to make money). If you think conversation is witnessing, whatever. I don’t. I just meant if you get all preachy, then this would not be a blog I would have any interest in reading. I’m certainly not trying to coerce you into writing about subjects that I like or anything. I have my own blogs for that.
Regarding Ezekiel and rebellion, if that’s how you see it…. I don’t. I’m not rebellious against God. I don’t think he exists. That seems to be something Christians can’t fathom. Like when Christians I know say “I don’t believe in astrology” they mean “Astrology is a real supernatural force but I think it’s evil so I don’t believe in it” but when I say the same thing I mean “I think astrology is make believe.” It’s the same regarding God. How can I rebel against someone I think does not exist?
Bill:
What an amazing example of how God uses His word to speak to us today.
Amen Brother!
Jason
Bill,
with tongue firmly planted in cheek, would it then also be fair to say that as the above type of commentators often challenge, question and test you…we are God and you are our Abraham?
:d
ash,
Ha! I love it
Well done.
writerdd:
Question: If you were subpoenaed to appear in court as a witness and refused to testify because you didn’t ‘believe’ the judge existed. Would that not be a rebellious act?
Unbelief is a rebellious act. Like when you mom told you not to touch the stove because it was ‘hot’ but you did it anyway because you didn’t believe her. [Yeah, that one hurt for days.] Unbelief is also the result of another rebellious act which is recorded in Gen. 3 and simply ignoring the evidence of the existence of God will not keep anyone from being accountable for their sins [rebellion] against God.
For the record, I believe that we each have our rebellions against God. For some it is a work in progress, and for others it is more of a lifestyle.
What are your thoughts?
Jason
Bill:
I do get what you’re saying when you make the point that you don’t have all the answers. It’s true that no one does, and until the veil is lifted and we’re on the other side of eternity no one will.
The point I want to make is that it’s important to look for the answers. We are required to give a defense for the hope that we have and to do this with gentleness and respect. You have the respect part down which is great. However, to those who think Christianity is wrong you should have a clear view of what you believe, why you believe it, and why it’s logical to be a Christian. It’s good to be able to admit that their are some things you just don’t know. Humility is usually a good thing. But if you say that you just don’t know enough times why should they listen to you?
I myself have to improve in engaging people in debate when it comes to the Christian message. I used to think that Bible verses alone would be enough. However, I’ve slowly come to the opinion that it’s can’t hurt to learn philosophy, history and science. You’ll be seen as a well read more logical person, and therefore your arguement has a greater chance to be seen as more rational.
Christian who shy away from learning these things are at a huge disadvantage. The anti-intellectualism in Christianity is pretty frightening, most importantly because it means that they won’t be taken seriously.
So Bill, I’m not aiming all this at you - I think the majority of Christians need to be more eager to learn about their own faith, as well as other disciplines. It can only help as an evangelism tool.
That’s stupid. Of course the judge exists. He is a flesh and blood human being that I can talk to and touch. God is not.
I know you won’t believe me and I sort of don’t even care if you don’t, because I can honestly say I am not and never have rebelled against God. I did not choose to become an atheist, I just discovered that I did not believe in God any more.
I respect Bill’s Christianity because he is using it to improve himself and to search. He is not just following a bunch of rules and trying to make everyone else follow them as well. But there’s no way evangelism will ever reach me because I’ve already been a Christian and I found it wanting. Been there, done that. If it works for you all, great. But although I am always searching and exploring new things, I don’t see any reason to go back and rehash things that I’ve already left behind. I spent over 20 years as a dedicated, born-again, spirit-filled Christian. I gave it enough of a shot to be able to move on without regrets, guilt, or fear.
writerdd,
How can you grow spiritually if you don’t believe in a soul?
I use the term spiritually metaphorically. Obviously we experience something like a “soul”. I just don’t believe that it is a non-corporeal supernatural entity that can live outside of our bodies.
writerdd:
Awesome. Thanks for the clarity.
I’m not trying to be pushy here. I am honestly just looking for a genuine discussion on the subject.
Obviously as a passionate follower of Christ, it intrigues me to hear of people who have ‘been there’ and ‘done that’ and then walked away with absolutely no faith what-so-ever.
I am enticed to find clarity on how someone could spend so much of their life ‘believing’ in something only to one day walk away from it altogether as if the curtain had finally been opened to them, revealing their very own ‘Wizard of Oz’. What would cause this? Is it brought on by pain, is it the hypocrisy of those inside, is it something that we simply need to grow out of? Or, is it possibly that the arguments from the other side of the fence became too hard to reason against? What triggers this ‘change of heart’?
As a God fearing man I am curious what would cause me to have so much faith in something that causes someone else so much grief. I’m not saying that you are grieved by this, but many people are yet my faith in God is without question. What is the difference? Why does Christianity bring me joy, while others look at it as a source for regret, guilt or fear? Why is my passion for truth quenched by the Holy and Living Word of God, while for others this book is nothing more than hoax, folklore, or stumbling block?
And then there’s creation. The world we live in, and all it’s splendor, which demands an equally wondrous explanation. Not some shot in the dark theory that attempts to weakly convince me somehow everything just accidentally happened without any explanation. Why is the logic that we use to explain modern day marvels (Golden Gate Bridge, Empire State Building, or Pyramids…) not the same as the universe and its existence?
And then there is “existence”. What are the qualifications of existence? Are they simply limited to what we can see, taste, touch, hear, or feel?
And what about history. Can it be trusted? And if so, what standard do we use to test if it is true? Is it simply the written records of those who have ‘been there’ and ‘seen that’ and written about it?
And what about all the written records of those who encountered God. Or those that were fortunate enough to see the miraculous works of Jesus Christ, who walked this very same earth preaching repentance before God and love for one another. The very same Jesus who spoke of his divinity in words like
Then His death, and resurrection, which were both predicted by the prophets, speaking for God, thousands of years before his birth…What do we do with this evidence?
All my answers for these questions have one source. The Scripture. I am interested to know where you find yours.
I don’t mind answering your questions. I just don’t always have the time.
Anyway, I’m writing a book about this. It’s being pitched to publishers right now! It’s very complicated and there are a lot of reasons, that are probably different for everyone. You should check out the blog de-conversion.com if you’re really interested in this subject. It’s the main topic of conversation around there all the time. I post there once in a blue moon, but mostly I just read.
I don’t have time to answer all of your other questions right now. Perhaps someone else will, or else I will try to come back to this discussion on the weekend. I have some big work deadlines this week so I really need to get off the internet for a few days!
I’ve written a few articles about these topics, too. If you’re interested I can post the links here until I have time to write more.
Hey Bill,
Don’t worry about those 5 points of Calvinism. Jesus said we should be more like children in our faith, not more like Biblical scholars or pseudo-Biblical scholars.
actually I was partially being a smartass
but that makes sense I guess.
Greetings.
Jason: I’ll gladly explain my atheism (obviously, I cannot speak for anyone else.)
Much of it boils down to one big point: All the reasons for faith you cite appear non-compelling to me. It is true that we have no explanation on how the universe came into existence, nor can we conclusively explain the beginnings of life. However, the introduction of a personal creator does not, in my eyes, improve this situation a bit. It just shifts the mystery from the natural to the supernatural. As someone who is passionate about science and knowledge, I’ll rather accept ignorance on those fundamental questions than buy into an answer that is so totally unfounded.
Then, Scripture. What makes you so sure that it is accurate? There is a saying in my country, “Paper is patient.” Meaning, it will bear anything written on it, no matter how true or false. How can we know that the Gospel writers did not deliberately make it look like Jesus fulfilled the old prophecies? Indeed, how can we know if *any* given part of the Bible is accurate, distorted, or mere fiction? I can’t accept something as debatable as this as the basis for… well, anything really.
Bottom line: I do not see any good reason to believe in the existence of any god(s), so I don’t.
There are more factors that contributed to my readiness to embrace atheism, the most important of which is personal pride and desire for freedom. I feel repelled by messages like “you are nothing without God”, the fatalistic idea of predestination or the blatantly unjust notion of original sin, which all seem only to be made to diminish our worth as humans. (I know these notions are not universally agreed upon in Christianity, but they seem quite pervasive to me.) I also don’t want to be restricted by moral teachings that make no sense to me just because some God allegedly says so. (I certainly don’t reject *all* morals. In fact, I am a humanist - my view is centered on Man, and our environment, rather than on any gods, which I find much more sensible.)
To sum up, atheism gives me the reassuring feeling that my essential beliefs and values are my own, rather than coming from an outside source that is as vague and doubtful as religion. It also gives me a feeling of freedom and independence, as W. E. Henley masterfully put it: “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” No religion I know of could do this for me.
One last bit on what made me turn away from religion: It just happened. I remember being a very God-fearing kid back when I did not yet question what my parents told me about God and what I read in the Bible (yes, I did that at a quite young age already). Then, still in my youth, though I don’t know when exactly, religion somehow lost its meaning to me - I’d sit in church and recite the Apostles’ creed or other prayers without giving thought about whether I really believed in the truth of the words I was speaking. (Sometimes I wonder how many Christians are the same…)
When I eventually reflected upon my faith again at a later time (again, I don’t quite know why I did that), I found it gone. I spent some time exploring the net for resources on atheism, theism and the arguments of both sides, as well as searching my own soul, and came to the conclusion that I was comfortable with being an atheist, for the reasons given above. And that’s it.
I hope this rather long text can help explain some of the motivations of atheism. I’m sure you’ll disagree with me, so feel free to argue - I’m also eager to understand other people’s points of view
Right. I’m going to play Devil’s Advocate in this so don’t take it as an attack please.
How can you self identify as a Christian when you don’t have a clear idea of what it is to be a Christian? If the way that Christianity is portrayed and the way that Christians act in your experience is negative then why do you work so hard to immerse yourself in the faith?
What I mean is, you have a belief in a greater, supernatural being and feel that you have a calling for this. Does this calling necessarily match the flavour of Christianity that you are familiar with? Could it be another religion entirely? Could your desire to redress suffering in the world be unrelated to religious organisations entirely?
It seems to me that Christianity has helped you to find some of the answers to your questions about life but not all of them. Christianity then is your starting point..or rather launching point as you’ve already had many years to build upon. The faith provided you with an impetus to abandon certain destructive and hedonistic practices.
The question is: where do you go from here? Especially when you consider that you have some difficulty with parts of the religion that you follow.
Jason said:
Actually unbelief isn’t an act at all, rebellious or otherwise. It is simply a default position from which belief in all kinds of interesting stuff is built up from.
I find this hard to accept. How can I rebel against something that I patently have no belief in. Now, rebelling against an established church or religion is a different matter.
hov,
I do! To me it’s really as simple as loving God and loving others! Honestly, that’s what I believe with all my heart!
I want to do it right. And I hope it catches on. A large percentage of this youngER generation of Christians thinks and feels a lot like I do.
Dude, I’m just gonna keep on truckin’ one step at a time, learning as I go. Ya know?
But you can love god and be Jewish, Muslim, no religion (not follow any holy book or attend any church), and so forth. I’m not saying you should switch religions, but that definition is not enough to make you a Christian. And it’s a lot less dogmatic than the 5 fundamentals, which you told me that you believe. Do you think the 5 fundamentals (they are not Calvinist, BTW) are required for being a Christian?
You should check out the Emergent/ing church movement in more detail. From what I know of it, it seems to match what you are looking for, although some of the doctrine will sound heretical coming from a Pentecostal background.
Good grief, did you really say “keep on truckin’”?
For the former (for me) I’d need a much better idea of who or what God is. some idea of his intentions, some explanation of his recorded actions and some genuine evidence that he exists.
The second part is easier. I don’t need any sort of faith for that, just the ability that every human has to feel compassion and empathy for others. Plus an occasional reminder that we’re all just trying to find happiness in life.
Bill: You’re nuts. I tell you this bluntly but unapologetically.
@Jason:
Why are you rebelling against Superman? What have you got against Truth, Justice, and the American Way? Stop being such a rebel.
Ben,
I am. 8-}
I say this willfully and knowingly.
@ben:
I took it for granted that you believed Superman was a fictional character. At the time, it seemed like a safe assumption.
Jason,
You ask the question about how a believer could lose their faith. You ask if it was pain caused by the church or members of a church, or if the other side convinved us. For me, it was a long internal process, nothing either “side” said or did had anything to do with how I ended up an unbeliever. If I had to point to one thing it would be sociology/anthropology.
As I learned about other cultures and how traditions were passed down through generations. I learned about societal controls and why people act as they do often without knowledge of why they act that way. I started questioning everything I was taught, everything I did, and everything I believed. Why were my actions/beliefs “correct” when compared with people in the rain forest of South America, or Muslims in the Middle East, or Hindus in India?
I looked to the bible and my church to “prove” to me I was on the correct path and this only caused me to ask more questions. The only reason I believed what I did was the society in which I was raised. When looking at other beliefs, which I used to dimiss as silly, I saw they had no more basis in reality than what I had been taught as a kid. The Bible no longer stood out as the word of God, but just another religious text, written to explain why/how/what to a certain culture.
I’m not being sarcastic, so please don’t take this wrong. I am interested in what culture exaclty the Bible was written for?
Does it only apply to a certain group? If so, how?
Thanks for your insight.
I think the Bible was written to a bunch of tribal, nomadic people in the Middle East. I don’t think much of it applies in today’s society, except for a few tidbits that are not unique to the Bible, such as the golden rule.
I like some of Jesus’s teachings, but I don’t think that makes him divine or Christianity true as the only way to find enlightenment or “salvation”. I think Christianity is a religion invented by Paul, personally. And I don’t like him or his teachings at all. If I were editing the Bible, I’d throw Paul’s epistles in the reject pile.
Jason, my doubledare challenge for you:
Read Who Wrote the Bible by Richard E. Friedman and Misquoting Jesus by Bart Ehrman, preferably in that order, as the first book deals with the Old Testament and the second with the New. Read them, then come back to me and tell me what you think about them. I’m genuinely curious to know how you respond those books.
I’ll bake you cookies if you do this. Seriously; I’m not even kidding. I’ll bake and mail them directly to you. Whatever your favorite cookie is.
Come on, how can you turn down an intellectual adventure and free homebaked cookies?
And these beliefs of yours are obviously backed up by some diligent historical research I assume?:-b
Sara:
You obviously have been doing your homework. I love cookies, and am already having visions of opening my mailbox to a scrumptious delightful treat.
However, I would like to negotiate a deal of another kind. Would you be willing to read a book in exchange for the (2) that you are requesting me to read?
Sara & Jason,
This is absolute torture!!! Look at my most recent Twitter tweet (top right of this page). ~X(
Jason:
You’re on. What’s the book.
Jason,
I agrre with writerdd’s take on who the bible was written for and that it really doesn’t apply to society today. There are some good bits and bad bits, but nothing so original to make it “king of the hill” of religious texts/teachings.
Jason, I’m not a historian but I’m pretty sure I’ve done more reading on the history of Christianity and the Bible than 90% of the people in this country.
Brother, I think you are mixing application with interpretation. Ezekiel was the one God spoke to 2500 years ago and He sent him to the Jews.
I take it you don’t think God could have been guiding Bill to that specific verse as a hint as to how he should live his life? Are you of the impression that God doesn’t ’speak’ to people anymore? If so, when do you think God stopped speaking to people?