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I’m not a huge fan of debating (which I know is a huge disappointment to many of you Atheist readers). When it comes to discussing sensitive subjects such as belief/non-belief, I choose a safer “friendlier” method. Here are some techniques I utilize to TRY to not come across as a know-it-all, arrogant, hypocritical jerk:
- When stating my opinion on a certain topic, I typically use the phrase “I believe,” or “In my opinion” or “I feel…”
- Rather than saying, “YOU should _____” I like to say “WE should ____”
- Try not to be so freakin’ judgmental!!
- This is a tough one for me. I’m a pretty critical person (working on it). Jesus has this to say about judging others.
- I approach people as PEOPLE rather than projects.
- I know this sounds silly, but it’s very obvious when a Christian approaches another individual with a “work required” attitude. I’ve been approached by this type of person before (as a Christian ironically). Truthfully, I want to smack them.
- Ultimately, I try by best to remember Christianity 101 and make it my daily approach: Love God and Love you.
Any other techniques ya want to mention?
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Great advice, Bill!
Hmmm, what would I add?
Walk away from the keyboard if you’re getting upset/angry. When you come back later you’ll probably write an entirely different response from the one you’d write when upset/angry. If you even respond at all.
Quickly reread what you wrote over again before you click ’submit’. Ask yourself how it will come across to other people. Is there a friendlier way to say what you just said? Might anyone misunderstand it - is it ambiguous?
Remember that people who seem angry at you often aren’t really angry at you - you just happened to be the closest target. Give them room - who knows if their car broke down and they had a fight with their spouse today. They will probably not TELL you that in what they write online but it’s quite possible it affected their mood and what they wrote.
(Related to the above but longer-term) Remember that people often bring a lot of baggage to Christian/atheist conversation. You might be the friendliest Christians or atheist they’ve ever met - but because of that they will need time to see that you’re different from the rest.
Ok those are a few things…maybe the biggest one is - give people the benefit of the doubt; believe there’s probably a decent human being much like you behind the rhetoric (much of the time there is) - if you believe that and look for that person you’re much more likely to find them than if your goal is to score points by coming up with the wittiest smackdown.
I’ve got some points:
Never be afraid to say you were wrong to say something or just that you were wrong. Saying “I said that but I actually meant this, Sorry for not being clearer.” is always an option.
Ask questions. This helps you to make sure that you’re talking about the same thing that you think your talking about. You might be talking about morality in terms of Jesus’ teachings but the other person might be talking about it in terms of the Old Testament. Clarify.
Focus on the argument\discussion and not the person. This is even more important when someone resorts to attacks against you. Helen already made this point.
Don’t resort to attacks. I read recently in The Book Thief a comment which stuck with me: “When a person’s last response was Saumensch or Saukerl or Arschloch, you knew you had them beaten.” You can do your own translation.
Use examples and analogies to illustrate your point but make sure everyone knows that its an analogy and you’re not stating something as a fact.
Oh and after all that I’d like to add: don’t lecture.
:d
That’s a great list, hoverfrog. (Oh here’s another one - start with something nice/friendly rather than jumping right into all the things you disagree on
Not that I did disagree in this case, I hasten to add)
Asking clarifying questions can nicely circumvent a huge escalation of tensions and hostilities that otherwise could happen based on one small misunderstanding.
And any sort of sincere apology can be extremely helpful. But avoid “Sorry, BUT you [asked for it]…” which isn’t really an apology at all.
“Asking clarifying questions can nicely circumvent a huge escalation of tensions and hostilities that otherwise could happen based on one small misunderstanding.”
I had just this issue only a few days ago on Deb’s (Gods Gal) site. I said (innocently enough) that people do good things all the time. I meant that people do good things frequently but the other person took it to mean constantly. Then much fun and frivolity was had by all. :”>
I’ve also had to retract and apologise on more than one occasion. I’ve said something that I’ve believed to be true only to have it proven that I’m in error. It’s not a good feeling to be proven wrong in a public forum. I’ve found the only real option is to take it on the chin, apologise, and then move forward. Most people are big enough to let people get away with genuine mistakes and anyone who isn’t soon gets called out on it by others.
I’ve got another one actually: Don’t try to trap people. Sometimes it is easy to get someone to state something where you can pull up a piece of scripture that contradicts them. Especially a piece of scripture. As fun as that can be it really doesn’t help when you want to move a conversation forward. This is probably something that I’m guilty of more than anything else. Sorry.