Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Become
In his letter to the Galatians, Paul writes, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”
In his admission to the world, Bill Cecchini writes, “The fruit of my spirit has been conditional love, sorrow, unkindness, anger, frustration, and mediocrity”
For years, I have said that I’ll never become prideful, arrogant, critical, judgmental, or mean. Moreover, these are the qualities that I’ve been quick to notice in the people who I typically don’t like.
It sucks when you realize that you’ve become what you can’t stand, who you said you’d never become. I have become a bigger jerk than this guy (click to enlarge).
Relient K says it well:
I’m sorry for the person I became.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to be sure I never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been
It’s been a slow process. I didn’t wake up one morning and decide, “Hey, I think it’s time to become a jerk!” Instead, I’ve watered and fertilized the small seeds of judgment, anger, laziness, pride, etc, that were planted inside of me and I’ve allowed them to grow large enough to consume me. And now they’ve become me.
And now I’m a jerk!
So what is dude supposed to do when he looks in the mirror and hates what he sees? What do you do when you have become what you said you never would; when you’ve become all that you hate?
I believe that the first step is recognition. Step two is acceptance. Steps one and two have been pretty simple so far. Somewhere down the line, though, there is a step that requires a bit more effort: deciding that you’re not going to be this person anymore and changing the way you think, act, and react.
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4 Responses for "Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Become"
Actually I disagree - I think the person who takes up 2 parking spaces is more of a jerk than you!
The reason you watered these things is because they are the flip side of good things - the challenge is to water one without the other.
The good things are - having high standards and caring whether you live up to them or not - which tends to make you have those for others too and care whether they are living up to them or not.
If you can let go of what others do and how they are it will help a lot.
How do I know? Because I am like you. I struggle with the same things. (Maybe we all do?)
(Disclaimer: I could be wrong; this is just my opinion.)
p.s. look at Saul/Paul - I think the reasons he was such a great Christian (according to the Bible) after he encountered Jesus were all there before that encounter. He was passionately pursuing what he thought was right. He just needed a little redirection, that’s all…it’s much better to care than not to care. I think God (if he/she exists) can do a lot more with people who care and are a bit off-track than people who don’t care.
I would guess that everyone lets this happen at some point in their lives. It seems like there is a time that we are blind to the negative aspects of our character. But the difference between people, like Helen was saying, is whether they care or not. The people closest to you can already see a difference and think you are doing an amazing job at recognizing and moving to action.
we’re all jerks sometimes. kudos to you for wanting to do something about it. you’re way ahead of most people there.
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